Saturday, August 17, 2013

When your child breaks your heart.

It wasn't long ago I was typing up a post telling all of you about our daughter's new adventure with having a boyfriend.  If I would have known then what I know now things would have been so different.  For the past 2 months it has been nothing but fighting and tears.  Because of that my relationship with my daughter is forever scared.  Things will never be the same again.  That really hurts me deep.

When things like this happen you cannot help but blame yourself and your parenting.  Where did I go wrong?  Because of this our daughter has completely changed.  We found out things about this boy that we do not like one bit.  It will not drag it out here.  But these are things that we cannot forget.  We have forgiven but will never forget.  The main thing is that he is unsaved.  THAT is a major thing.  So instead of our daughter seeing that as a bad thing she has chosen to walk away from everything she said she believed in.  Why?  Because of this guy. 

I have spent more time on my knees over this then any other time in my life.  The only place I can turn is to God.  James 1:5 says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him."  I feel I have no wisdom what so ever when it comes to this problem. 

So what is a mother to do?  Proverbs 22:6 tells us, "Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it." We have trained up Katrina in the ways of the Lord.  She is now at the age she needs to make the choice to walk away or to follow God.  She has chosen to walk away.  If she were to die today I have no idea at all if she would be in heaven.  That tears me all up inside.  It's almost like a grieving process.  I have so many moments of tears.  That is followed by anger! 

Satan uses many people to accomplish his tasks.  I firmly believe this whole situation is because of satan.  I know eventually God will use it to His glory because that is how everything works.  But I have to ask, at what cost?  My daughter has told us she wants to move out because we are forbidding her to see this guy again.  She even went as far as trying to "worm" her way into living with the woman she babysits for.  I do not want to admit it but our daughter has turned into a nasty young lady.  Especially toward me.  She has had nothing nice to say to me at all. 

I am really trying hard not to let the bitterness set in.  But being verbally abused by your daughter and her "guy" really wears you down.  I'm really at a loss as to how to handle this.  Any wisdom out there from my readers would be greatly appreciated.  This has been the worst year ever! 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."


Anonymous said...

I''ve been walking this same walk with my daughter. Sadly she has moved out.

It's so hard and so very heart breaking my friend. All we have is His word to lean on.

I think the hardest is that i never thought it would happen to us ...

Thank you for sharing your heart I feel comforted by you.

Kim said...

I am so very sorry. I'm sure you have heard this before but the more you protest against this boy, the harder she will fight. You raised her with good values. Give her a little room and she will see the truth on her own. 101

Sandra said...

Jen, you know my story and you know that when I met my husband he too was unsaved. What your daughter should be doing is working to save him and not turn her back on the Lord or everything she has known.

I know this has to be a heartbreaking situation, but I agree with what Kim said above, the more you dig your heels in the more she will be determined to hold on to this boy.

I will be praying that she remembers the goodness in her life and that she holds onto the Lord and uses what she knows to save this boy instead of turning on her family. Let God work through her.

Hugs and love,

Karen said...

I am going through a somewhat similar situation as you. My daughter is also dating a guy that is not saved. I'm not sure how old your daughter is, mine is 17, but sometimes we have to let them make their own mistakes. She has been raised differently than this, and I always gently remind her that she should be dating someone that is a Christian, not someone who isn't, and she says she knows. I don't fuss at her about it, because as the others said above, doing that will only make her want to do it more. I think that prayer will make all the difference in the world. I know when I was growing up, I did the same thing--dated someone that was not saved, even though I knew I shouldn't...but because I was constantly being fussed at over it, I was determined to do it anyway, just to show them. Eventually--and I know it was because of people praying for me--the relationship did not work out...partly because I had come to my senses, and from that time on, I told myself I would never date another unsaved boy again--and I didn't. But I think it's because I, myself, had made that decision. So keep praying for and loving your daughter, with prayer, God can turn her around. She has been raised well. Hugs, Karen

{Spaghetti*Brain} said...

Here's a bit from the daughter's side: it's awful, and not being a parent, I can't understand in the sense of experience.
The ugly truth is that your daughter is probably going to live with mistakes in this area for the rest of her life. Yes, they'll fade with time, but they'll still be there. I was stupid with a guy around her age, but my parents gave me lee-way to make mistakes. They gave me that look that said they really wish I wouldn't, and that's where I felt the tugging to do the right thing. Did I do it right away? NOPE. I had to learn and experience on my own.

But out of that whole mess, I learned that we really are all sinners equally, and my pride got crushed because I used to say, "oh, I would NEVER do that with a guy I'm not married to or who's not a Christian." Yeah right. The whole experience showed me that I'm not as righteous as I think I am and I also learned what to look for in a life partner--it's a good thing to be picky!! :)
Hope this helps.

jaime said...

There is no easy answer here. The problem is compounded by the fact that you have two impressionable children behind her watching all of this. The bar has to be set. You can love her (and should) but if she's of age, it's time for her to fly. You can pray for her, provide her with all the wisdom and love you posses, be a shoulder to cry on, but ultimately, at this point, it's her choice :( If she continues to behave this way, for your other children's sake, she needs to move out :( Heartbreaking :(

Renee said...

My heart goes out to you and your family. Please know I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Mary said...

I know this is hard on you, and heart breaking. Your child, who you've loved and nurtured has said things that have hurt you, and you are hurt, but you also fear and worry for her. That as a mother, I do understand is even more hurtful, that sense of powerlessness you feel. The fact that she's an adult doesn't make it easier. It doesn't help to second guess yourself, that is wasted energy, but do not consign yourself to having lost her. Take a deep breath, and pray for her. Pray to the Lord that she returns to her faith and see's sense. If you run into her, or she calls you, don't respond harshly, or in a judgemental manner, not that I think you would, but I wanted to ask that you show her your love for her, and that you are there for her. That the Lord loves her and is there for her. There is no guarantee of course, but in time, as is likely to happen, she will realize her error. Don't let what happen construct a wall between the two of you, where she will feel she can not turn to you. As a mother, I am going through something similar, and it's very hard.

sara said...

Oh Jen, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was that rebellious daughter once. Keep praying.